A spokesperson for the marketing department of the Religious Right has announced plans to publish a redacted Bible in time for Christmas. This latest edition will have every chapter and verse that promotes brotherly love blocked out like a confidential government document. “Love your neighbour as yourself—gone!” said the spokesperson. “Judge not, that you be not judged—Forget about it!” The editors also took the liberty of replacing Mary Magdalene with Bristol Palin since she scores well with the Tea Party. The Redacted Bible is available at Walmart, Target and Best Buy.
A spokesperson for the fast food chain says, “McDonald’s is committed to the environment. Plastic straws are one of the few environmentally unfriendly elements of our business—if you don’t count what our processing plants and farms are doing to the planet. By charging customers for straws we hope to cut straw consumption back by 1%...and maybe collect a small profit because lets face it, if you didn’t need the straws, we wouldn’t buy them.”
The announcement generated hundreds of thousands of strongly worded customer complaints, Tweets and launched several Facebook groups in protest. Despite the outcry McDonald’s refuses to budge. Said the spokesperson, “It’s not our fault you need a cold drink to wash down our salty food. We just sell this crap; no one is making you to buy it.”
Ottawa’s biggest dating loser, Minister of National Defence, Peter McKay, sat in the cockpit of a CF-18, looked through the firing scope and said, “Pitchew, pitchew…take that Belinda.”
Mr. McKay told the audience. “Competing bids are not what’s important here. What’s important is that I look good in this suit in the cockpit of this plane.”
Asked if the Conservatives would use the new fighters for crowd control at an event similar to the G20, the minister refrained from comment
A spokesperson for the GLAAD is applauding the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for recognizing that gay actors can play gay characters.
“With all the focus of late being on whether or not gay actors can convincingly play breeders…I mean heterosexuals…we have forgotten gay actors are rarely cast as gay characters in television and film—at least television and film that matters.”
“Look at our track record,” the spokesperson went on to say. “Capote, Milk, Brokeback Mountain, Monster…all the best gay roles go to straight actors. It’s nice to see the homo team get some recognition for a change.”
(Beverly Hills) Judge Marsha Revel sent former actress Lindsay Lohan for inappropriate use of Collagen. Sources close to the judge say while she felt it was her duty to put an end to the tabloid train wreck that is LiLo for flagrantly thumbing her nose to the law, it was really the Collagen that persuaded her to throw the maximum jail time at her.
“The first time I saw her in court I was sure if she was Lindsay Lohan or Meg Ryan,” Judge Revel told a friend after the court hearing. “Collagen is like diamonds; it should be reserved for women fifty and over.”
The judge hopes LiLo’s jail time will help her recover from her addictions and prays her lips will resemble that of a woman in her twenties again.
(Burnaby, BC) Translink unveiled the newest addition to its fleet at a press conference yesterday. The new “Mini Cooper Shuttle” will replace the Community Shuttles that presently connects commuters to the Canada Line.
“Our strategy is to reduce the number of commuters trying to connect with the Canada Line” said a Translink spokesperson. “Since it is already nearing capacity in the year it’s been open,”
The new vehicles can seat 4 comfortably (including the driver) with room for two more if need be between and across the laps of the passengers in the back seat.
The new shuttles will not adhere to any specific schedule and will continue to run at break-neck speeds on city streets and come to bone-jarring stops. “There will be no change to the quality of service the Community Shuttles,” assured the spokesperson. “The rider won’t even notice the difference.”
In advance of the G20 summit Prime Minister Harper has been rumoured to be bragging to his colleagues about his new water cannon.
“It’s awesome,” the PM reportedly told another world leader. “I’m so going to use it on the opposition or anyone that tries to contradict anything I say.”
When contacted, the Prime Minister’s Office admitted there was some confusion on the PM’s part. The water cannon in question is in fact a crowd control device; Harper thought it was Nerf Super Soaker—a toy he always wanted but was denied as a child because it is “fun”.
A red faced Prime Minister called his colleagues and alerted them the water fight was off, however he did ask security if they would use the water cannon on his BBQ grill before the Canada Day long weekend.
Hot on the heels of its fake Muskoka lake for journalists that can’t attend the G8 summit in Huntsville, ON, a puppet government is now in the works.
Says a spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s Office, “After firing Helena Guergis for disorderly conduct at an airport and giving her husband, Rahim Jaffer, a slap on the wrist for cocaine possession as well as exposing how the government really works, the PMO has decided it would be easier to fill the seats in the house with paper cabinet ministers.”
The spokesperson went on to say that officials will still be elected, but that their carbon forms will not be seen by the public until the next election or they die. The PMO hopes the cardboard cut-outs will stream the legislative process and prevent any further embarrassment. “In other words, Parliament will operate as normal, but instead of dictating votes, the Prime Minister will just do it for them by pulling a single string.”
As a concession to the Liberals, the Conservatives will supply the official opposition with paper balls since they do not appear to possess any.
“Bullshit is a source of methane; methane is a greenhouse gas. Will all the bullshit coming out of Ottawa as it is, a right-wing cable news station would hasten the melting of the polar ice cap by 5 – 10 years. Does the CRTC really want that on their hands?”
Said the spokesperson, “The way things are going, the only polar icecap left will be the one sitting in the Prime Minister’s office.”
Focus on the Family has issued a press release blaming Al Gore’s separation from his wife of 40 years, Tipper, on the effort to repeal “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.”
Although it saddens to see any marriage come apart, it behoves us at FOF to say to Al and Tipper, “We told you so.”
The press release states that in the absence of any real marital troubles, FOF, points the finger at “this latest advancement of the homosexual agenda for destroying yet another traditional marriage.” The world is still waiting to see how Focus on the Family will blame the BP oil spill on gay marriage.
Sources on the Hill say the Minister outed himself unintentionally as he was checking his appearance the screen of his iPad like a mirror. There are unconfirmed reports of compact falling out of his murse as well.
After declaring the recession over in British Columbia, Finance Minister Colin Hansen has proclaimed there is a cure for AIDS, Global Warming has stabilized and Georgian luger, Nodar Kumaritashvili’s death at the 2010 Olympics was just a dream.
The US department of Homeland Security is trying to circumvent plans to recycle the canvas roof from BC Place Stadium. In its quest protect the United States from every imaginable threat, the department would like to re-purpose the roof and use it as a diaphragm to defend the nation against a Godzilla type monster.
“As you may remember after 9/11 the government invited Hollywood screenwriters to pitch us nightmare scenarios that we could protect ourselves from,” said a Homeland Security spokesperson. “Several of those scenarios went on to become the basis for summer blockbusters but we seriously considered all the possibilities.”
After seeing footage of the deflated stadium on the Internet, a bureaucrat at the department had a eureka moment. “You insert that puppy into a giant lizard’s innards and they’ll never reproduce again! The military-industrial complex will have a field day with this! Think of how many jobs this will create!”
Outed Minister of Transportation, John Baird, will be hosting a weekend T-Dance for other closeted politicians at the Prime Minister’s office.
Baird has been fielding tough questions from the opposition while Prime Minister Stephen Harper continues his “Let’s do nothing and see how it works out” tour of Europe. The Minister has flared his nostrils at the opposition’s accusations of a Conservative culture of intimidation and their opposition to the proposed repeal of the national gun registry.
“Being angry and clouding the issues is hard,” says Baird. “It’s time for a little fun. And you know what they say about when the cat is away….”
The Minister is still waiting for Peter McKay to RSVP.
Heritage Minister James Moore announced today that Canada will stop using British grammar and spelling in favor of American grammar and spelling. The move came after the one millionth time MS Word tried correct “favour” in a document he was working on that “curried favour” to lobbyists.
“It makes perfect sense really in these tough economic times. Reducing the number of letters in a word has the potential of saving tax payers pennies in paper and ink—pennies that can be squandered on people who already have it too good.”
The jury is still out on the fate of the word “zed”.
The relatives of Adolf Hitler have issued a cease and desist order to the members of the Tea Party movement for unauthorized use of Fuhrer’s image in posters comparing President Barack Obama the leader of the Nazi party.
Andy Hiller, a descendant of Hitler (the family name was changed after the WWII) as well as other aunts, uncles and cousins of the Hitler line have been quietly incorporating Hitler’s name and image to prevent unlawful use.
“Do you know what it’s like to be a Hitler and watch movie after movie, book after book come out about the guy and you don’t get to see one red cent?” Hiller says. “Like I don’t have enough painful reminders of what a monster he was.”
Hiller says his and his relative’s aggravation boiled over when members of the right-wing Tea Party movement started painting Hitler moustaches on pictures of President Barack Obama.
“I mean come on! If Obama is Hitler was does that make Dick Cheney? I’m not trying to limit people’s freedom of speech but let’s get our analogy’s straight okay? Barack Obama is black and from what I remember of the Nazi’s they weren’t so big on people of color. There are plenty of black dictator’s for these Tea Partiers to choose from, why not go with Robert Mugabe?.”
Says Hiller, “America was far more racist back when Martin Luther King was doing his thing and I don’t remember the KKK drawing Hitler moustaches on pictures of him.”
The Prime Minister’s Office announced today that it will officially institute a man behind the curtain in Parliament to distract the public from its right-wing agenda.
“We came into office on a mandate of transparency,” the anonymous source says. “Instead of tricking you into keeping your mind off the real issues, we’re going to be blatant about it. That’s what strong leadership is.”
Bill Columbe, a grade 6 English teacher at Saint Theresa’s Catholic school in Kitsilano, claims he was fired for allegedly having sex with his girlfriend. Mr. Columbe, who describes himself as a recovering Catholic, has been teaching at the school for five years.
“The board of directors knew I was a recovering Catholic and that I was living with my girlfriend when they hired me,” says Columbe. “I assured them it wouldn’t affect my ability to teach.”
The trouble stems from a field trip to the Planetarium. One of the chaperones was replaced at the last minute with Mr. Columbe’s girlfriend, Peggy, who is pretty and has naturally big breasts.
“Kids being kids, they started asking Peggy questions, one of them being do we live together and do we share the same bed. Since Peggy doesn’t pander to children she told them the truth and I guess a lot of them went home and started asking their parents about sex.”
Prudence Ogreton, chairman of St. Theresa’s board of directors says Mr. Columbe wasn't fired, he’s just not allowed to teach at the school. “Mr. Columbe’s lifestyle goes against the Catholic teachings of pre-marital sex. Many parents complained that now that their children know Mr. Columbe has sex they might want to have sex too.”
When asked if he thought keeping Mr. Columbe from teaching at the school would prevent the students from acting on their hormonal urges Mr. Ogreton replied, “It doesn’t matter. We’re rich. We can fire whoever we bloody want.”
The school is said to be looking into hiring a eunuch to replace Mr. Columbe.
Science Minister Gary Goodyear announced today that Canada has officially given up on science to pursue polluting the air.
“The problem with science is it’s always trying to change the world for the better. It raises the bar too high, sets the nation upfor disappointment. Whereas Canada has pollution down to a science,” he said with a wink and a nudge. “We need to stick with what we know—like hockey!”
Taking its cue from BC Health Minister Kevin Falcon’s plan to pit hospitals against each other to compete for funding, Translink has decided to race city busses against each to cut costs and improve service. Routes that get the most passengers to their destination the fastest will get the best busses that are maintained on a regular basis. Slower routes will be penalized with diesel busses that break down all the time.
Paul Hackman, a spokesman for Translink, says that although Minister Falcon’s plan has increased administrative costs by 15% in the European countries that have experimented with it, it’s still worth a go. “So what if it’s a bad idea? It’s an idea. If nothing else we’ll prove how good the transit system was once it really starts to suck.”
No word yet if fire and ambulance plan to use competition as a means of improving service.
Geologists at the Ministry of Energy and Mines are reporting cooling and hardening of the earth in British Columbia hindering natural gas mines and ground breakings on more casinos.
“We don’t have concrete proof but we think hell is freezing is over,” says geologist Rocky Loess. “With the majority of British Columbians agreeing with Bill Vander Zalm that the HST puts the burden of BC economic recovery on the people who can least afford it, it’s the only explanation we can think of."
Disgraced BC Premier Bill Vander Zalm was notorious for raising the ire of many of the same British Columbians he has aligned himself with.
Geologists don’t expect a referendum on the HST to keep hell from freezing over. “If Bill Vander Zahm thinks the HST is a horrible idea, how else do the Liberals plan to screw us?"
The ACLU has filed legal papers on behalf of Kevin Keller, Riverdale High’s first openly gay student regarding the cruel plan to hold a Sadie Hawkins dance this autumn.
Although Kevin is not officially a student of Riverdale until September 2010, he was inspired by the ordeal of Constance McMillen to take pre-emptive precautions. McMillen sued Itawamba Agricultural High School to take her girlfriend to her prom and wear a tuxedo. Mcmillen won the suit but was duped into going to a decoy prom with several special needs children.
“I’m not saying they need to cancel the dance but I would like them to change the rules of the dance,” says Keller.
Instead of the girls asking the boys to the dance, Keller would prefer it if “People that are in touch with their femininity” do the asking.
Keller, who identifies as a “Sensitive Top” has not had any offers to go to the Dance but is holding out for Kurt Hummel from Glee, Robin of Batman fame, or Snagglepuss.
Principal Waldo Weatherbee has refused to comment pending further information on the case.
I can never remember when the game is on. I could have swore it was tonight but one cheer from the surrounding balconies told me I was wrong. Since it was the first peep I had heard from my neighbours I could tell it was a big goal.
Instead of cursing the Canucks I tried to channel every positive thought in my being at them. Not long after the Canucks killed a power play and scored a goal and I felt like I had done it.
Then LA came back and scored another goal and again, I was disheartened but not defeated. It was unbearable to watch however.
There was some work I needed to do so I muted the TV during the third period, opened the windows and didn’t look up until I could hear my neighbours from the surrounding open windows, balcony doors and restaurant patios.
I looked up from my laptop every time there was an ooh an ahh or an oh-oh-oh. I didn’t miss a goal.
I didn’t realize what a uniting force professional sports are until I lived in San Francisco and became a Giants fan. My proximity to my neighbours has only enhanced the experience. Even when I’m watching the game alone in my apartment, it still feels like I’m in a bar or a living room surrounded by people.
It never ceases to amaze me how governments—any government—is willing to break a contract with its people but not a corporation.
What really ticks me off about all this cost cutting is that we’re already running a bloody deficit, why not run deficits, take care of our people and dig ourselves out as we go along instead of digging ourselves in a hole we’ll never get out of.
Sure, there will be some minimum wage jobs thrown in for good measure—you can sure as hell bet the place won’t be unionized—but are those the jobs we want to be bringing to our city? Shouldn’t we be nurturing and inviting a population of smart people? Let’s face it, when we run out of water, food and energy, a blackjack dealer isn’t going to cut it.
Cuts, cuts, cuts…we always hear about cuts to people with disabilities, schools and the arts. Meanwhile we’re paying rich MLAs $300,000 a year to tell us we have to learn to do with less between political fundraisers and photo opportunities. I thought these people were civil servants.
The bottom line is the City and the Province owes us. It’s not our fault they didn’t budget accordingly. It’s our money they gambled with. If the population of Vancouver were China the Premier and the Mayor wouldn’t be over there pulling their pockets out of their pants like Charlie Chaplin saying, “Sorry, we just can’t pay.” No, they run a deficit until they can pay them back.
If Vancouverites and British Columbians at large treated the government like a cashier at Walmart, things would run much smoother around here.
“My hipster-mom friend from teaching school co-directed the production for Lord Byng Secondary School.”
“You’re sure you’re not imagining this?”
He was sure.
I wasn’t sure if I was dumbfounded or jealous. As a theatre person in high school and the president of the Arts Council, I had performed in The Wizard of OZ and Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap. A black Wicked Witch of the West was the closest to edgy as we got.
I remember how jealous I was when my niece told me her high school was doing Cats.
Cats! That was the first play I saw on Broadway! I skipped school to see a matinee of the Toronto production. I saw it three times and I worked at McDonald’s at the time.
She had not only aged me, she was stealing my part!
Now the play annoys me.
I just couldn’t believe that the Lord Byron drama club was able to put it past the teachers and the school board. I have no idea what kind of school Lord Byng is but my impression of parents these days is they get embarrassed about the smallest thing (see wardrobe malfunction).
The school website describes the play as a social satire that challenges the audience’s expectations. The movies don’t even do that anymore. I figured just the words social and satire would be enough to set off alarm bells. call the Minister of Education!
Due to scheduling conflicts my friend and I can’t see the play together but I’m going to try and get to it. If for no other reason than to see what a high school production of play looks like these days.
Harvey Milk said that if you can clean up the dog shit you can become mayor of San Francisco. He went on to pass one of the first poop and scoop bylaws in North America, something that has become a bylaw in every major metropolitan area since.
Smokers always complain their civil rights are being infringed on whenever they lose one more place to smoke. This would be a compelling argument if they weren’t protesting their right harm themselves, pollute the air and feed the coffers of big tobacco companies. Smokers are like the tar sands in that respect.
The first time I quit smoking for more than five years was when San Francisco proposed banning smoking in bars. I was tending bar in the Castro and had a cigarette burning in an ashtray next to my register like a celebrity guest on Matchgame.
Any smoker will tell you that once you’re relegated to the outdoors, you become a target for people bumming smokes. That was what finally drove me to quit. I knew if I had to leave my bar to have a cigarette, not only would I be losing money, but I would be getting into arguments with people I didn’t want to give a cigarette to.
Ironically I started smoking again in Toronto where you were still allowed to smoke. I lit up for the shear novelty of it and wasn’t able to stop for another five years.
People have different reasons for smoking. Most people enjoy how it feels in your lungs, but there are some people that genuinely rely on smoking as a coping mechanism. I don’t think it’s appropriate for someone to lose their job because they smoke, but I don’t see anything wrong with limiting where they can do it.
What does worry me about this bylaw is if this is the city’s passive-aggressive way of cutting back on dope smoking on the beach. If the reason for the ban is pollution not lifestyle choices as they claim, why don’t they start a campaign: “Take your trash with you”?
I’m not going to endorse marijuana one way or another but like it or not, marijuana is part of Vancouver culture—it’s the only thing keeping us on the map in some parts of the world.
Do we really want to see more law enforcement on Wreck Beach than there already is? Last year the cops made my friends and I show them our water bottles to prove it wasn’t vodka. I mean, if you can’t get naked and let it all hang out on Wreck Beach, where can you?
My advice to smokers is this: if you want to smoke in public spaces clean up after yourselves. As for banning smoking in parks, I say we do it but leave pot alone.
Even if the ban does pass, they won’t enforce it. Look at any number of dogs on the beach. But I’ll take a dog over a cigarette butt any sunny day of the week.
A few weeks ago The Courier printed a homophobic, poorly researched, unsubstantiated, gay-baiting column by Mark Husiuk about how the Dare to Stand Out conference at Queen Mary elementary school was really an attempt to train kids to be gay taught by a group of dildo-selling, orgy-attending, Pride-Society-Running heathens.
The column made the rounds via Facebook and was a kick in the gut to anyone who read it. The piece also came out on the heels of Anne Coulter’s visit to Canada.
There were a number of things wrong with the article:
It was published in The Courier, a paper I respect.
The writer obviously Googled the names of the speakers and focused on the most salacious bits about them. (The dildo-seller also has an honorary law degree at SFU thanks to her battle with Canadian Customs for censoring books)
The writer didn’t actually attend the conference
Long story short, the column justified the need for a Dare to Stand Out conference.
When creative expression turns into an excuse to spread lies and anger, it’s up to everyone to say they don’t want to hear it. Ottawa said no to Coulter. Vancouver can say no, too. It’s the only democratic thing to do.
And for that a male commenter wrote:
Leftists, like the pathetic amateur writer cunt who wrote this shit article hate freedom and different opinions.
It’s one thing tell a writer they suck, another thing for a man to call a woman the C word. I have 5 sisters; I know this first hand.
To paraphrase Liz Lemon on 30 Rock, a man can’t call a woman the C word because there is no male equivalent. Chauvinist pig just doesn’t cut it.
Like any self-respecting woman would do, Mette asked her editor to remove the post since it did nothing to further the dialogue and it was an obvious violation of guidelines for reader comments where it clearly states: “Do not get personal and do not defame others.”
However, Xtra is refusing to take the comment down on the grounds of censorship. But what it looks like is they’re trying to bring more eyes to the site.
What angers me most about the C bomb is that it fuels the debate for all the wrong reasons. If these people are so riotous why are they resorting to using it? What if he had called her the N word; would it have come down then?
The point of Mette’s column was that with free speech comes responsibility and there seems to be a lack of it nationally and locally. Xtra needs to decide if it’s going to hold it readers to the same standards as its writers or if it’s going to use its columnists as whipping board to drum up web traffic.
To be honest, I was more interested in Corvette Summer. I was 13 and still in love with Mark Hamil from Star Wars. I still associate Annie Potts with that movie.
Ironically, it was my brother-in-law who wanted to see Clash of the Titans. He was a big fan Ray Harryhausen the special effects artist. “Haven’t you ever seen Jason and the Argonauts?” my brother-in-law asked. “Sinbad?”
Yeah, probably.
Little did I know I was going to fall in love all over with Harry Hamlin. The movie wasn’t bad either. I remember being really excited the end. I can still see Maggie Smith as Thetis super imposed on the head of a statue. I liked the movie so much I bought the tie-in paperback and started researching Greek mythology. A few months later I realized it was gladiators that I was really into.
There was no way I was going to let the remake of Clash of the Titans go to video without seeing it on the big screen. I could care less about 3D after Avatar.
One thing they retained from the original film was the British cast—or should I say Commonwealth cast seeing how Sam Worthington is Australian.
There are two things that refuse to die: UGGs and action shots that start off really fast and then end in slow motion. Who do we blame for this: Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon, Matrix or 300? I think it’s time we put moratoriums on those as well as pep talks when the going gets tough.
I did like how script emphasized man’s conquering the Gods. I interpreted this as man’s war with earth. We no longer worship the miracle of life but the miracle of our technology. That’s all the philosophy I can muster on a gallon of Coke, a pound of Reece’s Pieces, a duffel bag of popcorn—that cost as much as the price of the movie thank you.
Speaking of technology, I think I’ve become immune to CGI. It doesn’t look real to me anymore I don’t care how much pretend sunlight you bleed onto it. The city of Argos looked awfully similar to Minas Tirith in Lord of the Rings. Pegasus looked great though.
I didn’t go back and watch the original—I’m not that crazy about it—but there was one direct nod to the first one when Perseus pulls out the mechanical owl Bubo and asks, “What the hell is that?”
“Your friend Perseus,” I wanted to shout, “Your friend.”
The population of Argos kind of reminded me of the Tea Partiers how they were all “bow to God” and all that crap. There’s one guy, the leader of the crazies who looks like a crack addict that modeled his performance after the “Bring out your dead” guy from The Holy Grail.
The best part of Sam Worthington’s performance was his thighs. We get quite an eyeful of them as he swims through water and fights giant scorpions. His accent alternates between Road Warrior and Dirty Harry.
Couldn’t stand Io the immortal stalker. She was the cheesiest thing in the movie after Same Worthington’s thighs. I still have no idea what her purpose was or what she added to the plot. I had to IMBD the movie just to remember what her name was.
It was nice seeing Elizabeth McGovern again but it was hard to imagine her married to Pete Postlethwaite. And I thought it was interesting that Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes from Schindler’s List. I’m sure the casting agents planned it that way.
Overall not the worst movie I’ve seen; could have used a few more ripped soldiers from West Hollywood. I would have preferred to see it in 2D for a few dollars less.
I blame my lower back pain entirely on missing yoga for thee weeks. I haven’t had this much trouble getting up, bending over and sitting down since I was a barista. I’m grunting so much my neighbor knocked on the door to ask if I was okay.
Went to Shopper’s Drug Mart to self-medicate. Stood in the pain relief aisle not knowing which concoction was the most effective. I’m not really big on pills and painkillers (recovering Catholic you know) but since I don’t drink and tequila is not an option, it was this or suffer.
There was a sale on heat pads—booyah! —but as for medication I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go brand name or generic. It was early in the morning enough that there were no lines so I was able to find a pharmacist right away.
She pointed to the three generic brands. “This one has Robax and aspirin; Robax and Tylenol; Robax and Advil.”
Quick concise advice; how often do you get that?
I went for Tylenol. Advil gives me an uppy tummy.
While I was paying for the back medicine I also picked up a prescription my doctor had faxed in. My extended health plan covers my medication and I asked her if she needed anything else—my membership card or something.
“You need to pay for those,” she said, pointing to the heat pads and pills.
Duh.
“Sorry. I’m in a lot of pain.”
“I understand,” said the pharmacist for whom English is not her native tongue. “If you weren’t in pain I would not understand.”
