Swords and Sandals

One of my favorite movie lines is “Do you like movies about Gladiators Billy?” from Airplane. That one line summed up my childhood.

As a pubescent insomniac gay boy I was exposed to snippets of Hercules movies starring Steve Reeves on late night TV and Sunday afternoon matinees, but the first gladiator movie I saw from beginning to end was Clash of the Titans back in 1981 at the drive-in. It was a double feature; the other movie was Corvette Summer.

To be honest, I was more interested in Corvette Summer. I was 13 and still in love with Mark Hamil from Star Wars. I still associate Annie Potts with that movie.

Ironically, it was my brother-in-law who wanted to see Clash of the Titans. He was a big fan Ray Harryhausen the special effects artist. “Haven’t you ever seen Jason and the Argonauts?” my brother-in-law asked. “Sinbad?”

Yeah, probably.

Little did I know I was going to fall in love all over with Harry Hamlin. The movie wasn’t bad either. I remember being really excited the end. I can still see Maggie Smith as Thetis super imposed on the head of a statue. I liked the movie so much I bought the tie-in paperback and started researching Greek mythology. A few months later I realized it was gladiators that I was really into.

There was no way I was going to let the remake of Clash of the Titans go to video without seeing it on the big screen. I could care less about 3D after Avatar.

One thing they retained from the original film was the British cast—or should I say Commonwealth cast seeing how Sam Worthington is Australian.

There are two things that refuse to die: UGGs and action shots that start off really fast and then end in slow motion. Who do we blame for this: Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon, Matrix or 300? I think it’s time we put moratoriums on those as well as pep talks when the going gets tough.

I did like how script emphasized man’s conquering the Gods. I interpreted this as man’s war with earth. We no longer worship the miracle of life but the miracle of our technology. That’s all the philosophy I can muster on a gallon of Coke, a pound of Reece’s Pieces, a duffel bag of popcorn—that cost as much as the price of the movie thank you.

Speaking of technology, I think I’ve become immune to CGI. It doesn’t look real to me anymore I don’t care how much pretend sunlight you bleed onto it. The city of Argos looked awfully similar to Minas Tirith in Lord of the Rings. Pegasus looked great though.

I didn’t go back and watch the original—I’m not that crazy about it—but there was one direct nod to the first one when Perseus pulls out the mechanical owl Bubo and asks, “What the hell is that?”

“Your friend Perseus,” I wanted to shout, “Your friend.”

The population of Argos kind of reminded me of the Tea Partiers how they were all “bow to God” and all that crap. There’s one guy, the leader of the crazies who looks like a crack addict that modeled his performance after the “Bring out your dead” guy from The Holy Grail.

The best part of Sam Worthington’s performance was his thighs. We get quite an eyeful of them as he swims through water and fights giant scorpions. His accent alternates between Road Warrior and Dirty Harry.

The guy who played the kid in About a Boy and the student that follows Colin Firth around in A Single Man plays a soldier. Swear to God, he’s wearing the same lipstick and foundation from A Single Man; exchange the armor for an angora sweater and you’ve got the same guy.

Couldn’t stand Io the immortal stalker. She was the cheesiest thing in the movie after Same Worthington’s thighs. I still have no idea what her purpose was or what she added to the plot. I had to IMBD the movie just to remember what her name was.

It was nice seeing Elizabeth McGovern again but it was hard to imagine her married to Pete Postlethwaite. And I thought it was interesting that Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes from Schindler’s List. I’m sure the casting agents planned it that way.

Overall not the worst movie I’ve seen; could have used a few more ripped soldiers from West Hollywood. I would have preferred to see it in 2D for a few dollars less.