Conservatives institute man behind curtain

The Prime Minister’s Office announced today that it will officially institute a man behind the curtain in Parliament to distract the public from its right-wing agenda.

“We’ve been trying to pit the country against itself in a battle of left against right but it turns out the country as a whole is too close to the center for that,” said a source from the PMO who asked to remain anonymous.

In the past the PMO has attempted to divert the country’s attention from its right-wing agenda of ignoring human rights, integrating church with state, and raising taxes with such tactics as changing the lyrics of the national anthem, destroying a person’s credibility and accusing the CBC of being a propaganda outlet for the Liberal party.

“We came into office on a mandate of transparency,” the anonymous source says. “Instead of tricking you into keeping your mind off the real issues, we’re going to be blatant about it. That’s what strong leadership is.”

Catholic school fires straight teacher for having sex with girlfriend

Bill Columbe, a grade 6 English teacher at Saint Theresa’s Catholic school in Kitsilano, claims he was fired for allegedly having sex with his girlfriend. Mr. Columbe, who describes himself as a recovering Catholic, has been teaching at the school for five years.

“The board of directors knew I was a recovering Catholic and that I was living with my girlfriend when they hired me,” says Columbe. “I assured them it wouldn’t affect my ability to teach.”

The incident mirrors that of Lisa Reimer, who claims she was fired by Little Flower Academy because she is gay.

The trouble stems from a field trip to the Planetarium. One of the chaperones was replaced at the last minute with Mr. Columbe’s girlfriend, Peggy, who is pretty and has naturally big breasts.

“Kids being kids, they started asking Peggy questions, one of them being do we live together and do we share the same bed. Since Peggy doesn’t pander to children she told them the truth and I guess a lot of them went home and started asking their parents about sex.”

Prudence Ogreton, chairman of St. Theresa’s board of directors says Mr. Columbe wasn't fired, he’s just not allowed to teach at the school. “Mr. Columbe’s lifestyle goes against the Catholic teachings of pre-marital sex. Many parents complained that now that their children know Mr. Columbe has sex they might want to have sex too.”

When asked if he thought keeping Mr. Columbe from teaching at the school would prevent the students from acting on their hormonal urges Mr. Ogreton replied, “It doesn’t matter. We’re rich. We can fire whoever we bloody want.”

The school is said to be looking into hiring a eunuch to replace Mr. Columbe.

Canada throws in towel on science; shifts focus to polluting air

Science Minister Gary Goodyear announced today that Canada has officially given up on science to pursue polluting the air.

“The problem with science is it’s always trying to change the world for the better. It raises the bar too high, sets the nation upfor disappointment. Whereas Canada has pollution down to a science,” he said with a wink and a nudge. “We need to stick with what we know—like hockey!”

Minister Goodyear, who is a chiropractor and a creationist, feels that supplying the world with Isotopes for medical research and funding a vaccine for HIV time wasters. “Why try and solve the world’s problems when there are already scientists working on it? I’m sure somebody has it covered.”

When questioned, Minister Goodyear admitted he plans to keep using his blackberry, laptop, television and take his medications as described

Translink improves service; busses to compete with each other

Taking its cue from BC Health Minister Kevin Falcon’s plan to pit hospitals against each other to compete for funding, Translink has decided to race city busses against each to cut costs and improve service. Routes that get the most passengers to their destination the fastest will get the best busses that are maintained on a regular basis. Slower routes will be penalized with diesel busses that break down all the time.

Paul Hackman, a spokesman for Translink, says that although Minister Falcon’s plan has increased administrative costs by 15% in the European countries that have experimented with it, it’s still worth a go. “So what if it’s a bad idea? It’s an idea. If nothing else we’ll prove how good the transit system was once it really starts to suck.”

No word yet if fire and ambulance plan to use competition as a means of improving service.

Majority of British Columbians agree with Bill Vander Zalm; hell freezes over

Geologists at the Ministry of Energy and Mines are reporting cooling and hardening of the earth in British Columbia hindering natural gas mines and ground breakings on more casinos.

“We don’t have concrete proof but we think hell is freezing is over,” says geologist Rocky Loess. “With the majority of British Columbians agreeing with Bill Vander Zalm that the HST puts the burden of BC economic recovery on the people who can least afford it, it’s the only explanation we can think of."

Disgraced BC Premier Bill Vander Zalm was notorious for raising the ire of many of the same British Columbians he has aligned himself with.

Geologists don’t expect a referendum on the HST to keep hell from freezing over. “If Bill Vander Zahm thinks the HST is a horrible idea, how else do the Liberals plan to screw us?"

Gay “Archie” Kevin Keller sues Riverdale High over Sadie Hawkins dance

The ACLU has filed legal papers on behalf of Kevin Keller, Riverdale High’s first openly gay student regarding the cruel plan to hold a Sadie Hawkins dance this autumn.

Although Kevin is not officially a student of Riverdale until September 2010, he was inspired by the ordeal of Constance McMillen to take pre-emptive precautions. McMillen sued Itawamba Agricultural High School to take her girlfriend to her prom and wear a tuxedo. Mcmillen won the suit but was duped into going to a decoy prom with several special needs children.

“I’m not saying they need to cancel the dance but I would like them to change the rules of the dance,” says Keller.

Instead of the girls asking the boys to the dance, Keller would prefer it if “People that are in touch with their femininity” do the asking.

Keller, who identifies as a “Sensitive Top” has not had any offers to go to the Dance but is holding out for Kurt Hummel from Glee, Robin of Batman fame, or Snagglepuss.

Principal Waldo Weatherbee has refused to comment pending further information on the case.

Watching hockey with the neighbours

One of the advantages of living next to an alley is I’m able to watch the hockey game on mute. I hate to admit it but I’m one of those people who watch TV and multi-task. I’m an ambitious single man but I need to be entertained. I also feel obligated at cheer for the Canucks with my entire being until they’re knocked out of the playoffs.

I can never remember when the game is on. I could have swore it was tonight but one cheer from the surrounding balconies told me I was wrong. Since it was the first peep I had heard from my neighbours I could tell it was a big goal.

The game was tied one all when I turned on the TV. Not two minutes later the Kings scored on a power play. Curse the Kings and their power plays!p>

It’s hard not to give up hope when the other team keeps on pounding away at yours and their fans are lapping it up. I started cursing the Canucks for making us look like fools, for caving under the pressure.

The one thing I’ve come away with from the Olympics is to learn how to believe in the home team. After the Canadians lost to the Americans I was one of the few people in my circle of friends who chalked the game up to experience.

Instead of cursing the Canucks I tried to channel every positive thought in my being at them. Not long after the Canucks killed a power play and scored a goal and I felt like I had done it.

Then LA came back and scored another goal and again, I was disheartened but not defeated. It was unbearable to watch however.

There was some work I needed to do so I muted the TV during the third period, opened the windows and didn’t look up until I could hear my neighbours from the surrounding open windows, balcony doors and restaurant patios.

I looked up from my laptop every time there was an ooh an ahh or an oh-oh-oh. I didn’t miss a goal.

I didn’t realize what a uniting force professional sports are until I lived in San Francisco and became a Giants fan. My proximity to my neighbours has only enhanced the experience. Even when I’m watching the game alone in my apartment, it still feels like I’m in a bar or a living room surrounded by people.

Case of the blind leading the blind: "Rogue" Vancouver police officer fired, charged with dealing drugs, break and enter



Yeah right: No politics at play in scrapping HIV vaccine centre: Butler-Jones





I'll pass thanks: Scenes from the Army & Navy Shoe Sale



If you don't play the game you can't make the rules: Religious groups fight changes to Ontario sex ed curriculum

The market is free only if you are rich

Today City Council is voting on how much social housing is going to be cut from the Olympic Village when it goes on the market. The original plan was for 250 units of below market rentals. The City wants to cut that in half and offer market rates to essential service employees like police officers and firefighters. Market rate for those units runs in the $2000 range.

It never ceases to amaze me how governments—any government—is willing to break a contract with its people but not a corporation.

What really ticks me off about all this cost cutting is that we’re already running a bloody deficit, why not run deficits, take care of our people and dig ourselves out as we go along instead of digging ourselves in a hole we’ll never get out of.

The Premier is proposing a casino directly across the water from the Olympic Village. Who is that supposed to serve? People that don’t live here.

Sure, there will be some minimum wage jobs thrown in for good measure—you can sure as hell bet the place won’t be unionized—but are those the jobs we want to be bringing to our city? Shouldn’t we be nurturing and inviting a population of smart people? Let’s face it, when we run out of water, food and energy, a blackjack dealer isn’t going to cut it.

To add insult to injury, the Premier is trying to shove a casino down our throats right after he cut gaming funds that support sports and the arts.

Cuts, cuts, cuts…we always hear about cuts to people with disabilities, schools and the arts. Meanwhile we’re paying rich MLAs $300,000 a year to tell us we have to learn to do with less between political fundraisers and photo opportunities. I thought these people were civil servants.

The bottom line is the City and the Province owes us. It’s not our fault they didn’t budget accordingly. It’s our money they gambled with. If the population of Vancouver were China the Premier and the Mayor wouldn’t be over there pulling their pockets out of their pants like Charlie Chaplin saying, “Sorry, we just can’t pay.” No, they run a deficit until they can pay them back.

If Vancouverites and British Columbians at large treated the government like a cashier at Walmart, things would run much smoother around here.

High School Musical

“Would you be into seeing a high school musical?” my friend asked.

“No.”

“Let me rephrase that. Would like to see a high school production of Urinetown the Musical?”

“Yes. You’re sure you’re not imagining this?”

“Yes. How did you even hear about this?”

“My hipster-mom friend from teaching school co-directed the production for Lord Byng Secondary School.”

“You’re sure you’re not imagining this?”

He was sure.

I wasn’t sure if I was dumbfounded or jealous. As a theatre person in high school and the president of the Arts Council, I had performed in The Wizard of OZ and Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap. A black Wicked Witch of the West was the closest to edgy as we got.

I remember how jealous I was when my niece told me her high school was doing Cats.

Cats! That was the first play I saw on Broadway! I skipped school to see a matinee of the Toronto production. I saw it three times and I worked at McDonald’s at the time.

She had not only aged me, she was stealing my part!

Now the play annoys me.

I just couldn’t believe that the Lord Byron drama club was able to put it past the teachers and the school board. I have no idea what kind of school Lord Byng is but my impression of parents these days is they get embarrassed about the smallest thing (see wardrobe malfunction).

The school website describes the play as a social satire that challenges the audience’s expectations. The movies don’t even do that anymore. I figured just the words social and satire would be enough to set off alarm bells. call the Minister of Education!

Due to scheduling conflicts my friend and I can’t see the play together but I’m going to try and get to it. If for no other reason than to see what a high school production of play looks like these days.

Are cigarette butts the new dog shit?

Harvey Milk said that if you can clean up the dog shit you can become mayor of San Francisco. He went on to pass one of the first poop and scoop bylaws in North America, something that has become a bylaw in every major metropolitan area since.

Today the Vancouver Parks Board will vote to ban smoking from city parks. As a reformed smoker I’m all for the ban but I can see the drawbacks to it.

Smokers always complain their civil rights are being infringed on whenever they lose one more place to smoke. This would be a compelling argument if they weren’t protesting their right harm themselves, pollute the air and feed the coffers of big tobacco companies. Smokers are like the tar sands in that respect.

The first time I quit smoking for more than five years was when San Francisco proposed banning smoking in bars. I was tending bar in the Castro and had a cigarette burning in an ashtray next to my register like a celebrity guest on Matchgame.

Any smoker will tell you that once you’re relegated to the outdoors, you become a target for people bumming smokes. That was what finally drove me to quit. I knew if I had to leave my bar to have a cigarette, not only would I be losing money, but I would be getting into arguments with people I didn’t want to give a cigarette to.

Ironically I started smoking again in Toronto where you were still allowed to smoke. I lit up for the shear novelty of it and wasn’t able to stop for another five years.

People have different reasons for smoking. Most people enjoy how it feels in your lungs, but there are some people that genuinely rely on smoking as a coping mechanism. I don’t think it’s appropriate for someone to lose their job because they smoke, but I don’t see anything wrong with limiting where they can do it.

What does worry me about this bylaw is if this is the city’s passive-aggressive way of cutting back on dope smoking on the beach. If the reason for the ban is pollution not lifestyle choices as they claim, why don’t they start a campaign: “Take your trash with you”?

I’m not going to endorse marijuana one way or another but like it or not, marijuana is part of Vancouver culture—it’s the only thing keeping us on the map in some parts of the world.

Do we really want to see more law enforcement on Wreck Beach than there already is? Last year the cops made my friends and I show them our water bottles to prove it wasn’t vodka. I mean, if you can’t get naked and let it all hang out on Wreck Beach, where can you?

My advice to smokers is this: if you want to smoke in public spaces clean up after yourselves. As for banning smoking in parks, I say we do it but leave pot alone.

Even if the ban does pass, they won’t enforce it. Look at any number of dogs on the beach. But I’ll take a dog over a cigarette butt any sunny day of the week.





Evidence I'm in the wrong line of business: New Yorkers brace for a doorman strike



Where have I heard this one before? Celebration of Light in jeopardy as fireworks funds fizzle‎

The C Word

A few weeks ago The Courier printed a homophobic, poorly researched, unsubstantiated, gay-baiting column by Mark Husiuk about how the Dare to Stand Out conference at Queen Mary elementary school was really an attempt to train kids to be gay taught by a group of dildo-selling, orgy-attending, Pride-Society-Running heathens.

The column made the rounds via Facebook and was a kick in the gut to anyone who read it. The piece also came out on the heels of Anne Coulter’s visit to Canada.

There were a number of things wrong with the article:

It was published in The Courier, a paper I respect.

The writer obviously Googled the names of the speakers and focused on the most salacious bits about them. (The dildo-seller also has an honorary law degree at SFU thanks to her battle with Canadian Customs for censoring books)

The writer didn’t actually attend the conference

Long story short, the column justified the need for a Dare to Stand Out conference.

Ivan Coyote wrote a very even-handed and thoughtful “fuck you” to The Courier’s editors and Mette Bach, who writes Queer to Eternity for Xtra, also commented on both Hasiuk’s column and Coulter’s visit.

She says:

When creative expression turns into an excuse to spread lies and anger, it’s up to everyone to say they don’t want to hear it. Ottawa said no to Coulter. Vancouver can say no, too. It’s the only democratic thing to do.

And for that a male commenter wrote:

Leftists, like the pathetic amateur writer cunt who wrote this shit article hate freedom and different opinions.

It’s one thing tell a writer they suck, another thing for a man to call a woman the C word. I have 5 sisters; I know this first hand.

To paraphrase Liz Lemon on 30 Rock, a man can’t call a woman the C word because there is no male equivalent. Chauvinist pig just doesn’t cut it.

Like any self-respecting woman would do, Mette asked her editor to remove the post since it did nothing to further the dialogue and it was an obvious violation of guidelines for reader comments where it clearly states: “Do not get personal and do not defame others.”

However, Xtra is refusing to take the comment down on the grounds of censorship. But what it looks like is they’re trying to bring more eyes to the site.

Writers like Hiromi Gotto, David Batemen, Sarah Leavitt have commented on the site but the C word remains.

What angers me most about the C bomb is that it fuels the debate for all the wrong reasons. If these people are so riotous why are they resorting to using it? What if he had called her the N word; would it have come down then?

The point of Mette’s column was that with free speech comes responsibility and there seems to be a lack of it nationally and locally. Xtra needs to decide if it’s going to hold it readers to the same standards as its writers or if it’s going to use its columnists as whipping board to drum up web traffic.

Swords and Sandals

One of my favorite movie lines is “Do you like movies about Gladiators Billy?” from Airplane. That one line summed up my childhood.

As a pubescent insomniac gay boy I was exposed to snippets of Hercules movies starring Steve Reeves on late night TV and Sunday afternoon matinees, but the first gladiator movie I saw from beginning to end was Clash of the Titans back in 1981 at the drive-in. It was a double feature; the other movie was Corvette Summer.

To be honest, I was more interested in Corvette Summer. I was 13 and still in love with Mark Hamil from Star Wars. I still associate Annie Potts with that movie.

Ironically, it was my brother-in-law who wanted to see Clash of the Titans. He was a big fan Ray Harryhausen the special effects artist. “Haven’t you ever seen Jason and the Argonauts?” my brother-in-law asked. “Sinbad?”

Yeah, probably.

Little did I know I was going to fall in love all over with Harry Hamlin. The movie wasn’t bad either. I remember being really excited the end. I can still see Maggie Smith as Thetis super imposed on the head of a statue. I liked the movie so much I bought the tie-in paperback and started researching Greek mythology. A few months later I realized it was gladiators that I was really into.

There was no way I was going to let the remake of Clash of the Titans go to video without seeing it on the big screen. I could care less about 3D after Avatar.

One thing they retained from the original film was the British cast—or should I say Commonwealth cast seeing how Sam Worthington is Australian.

There are two things that refuse to die: UGGs and action shots that start off really fast and then end in slow motion. Who do we blame for this: Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon, Matrix or 300? I think it’s time we put moratoriums on those as well as pep talks when the going gets tough.

I did like how script emphasized man’s conquering the Gods. I interpreted this as man’s war with earth. We no longer worship the miracle of life but the miracle of our technology. That’s all the philosophy I can muster on a gallon of Coke, a pound of Reece’s Pieces, a duffel bag of popcorn—that cost as much as the price of the movie thank you.

Speaking of technology, I think I’ve become immune to CGI. It doesn’t look real to me anymore I don’t care how much pretend sunlight you bleed onto it. The city of Argos looked awfully similar to Minas Tirith in Lord of the Rings. Pegasus looked great though.

I didn’t go back and watch the original—I’m not that crazy about it—but there was one direct nod to the first one when Perseus pulls out the mechanical owl Bubo and asks, “What the hell is that?”

“Your friend Perseus,” I wanted to shout, “Your friend.”

The population of Argos kind of reminded me of the Tea Partiers how they were all “bow to God” and all that crap. There’s one guy, the leader of the crazies who looks like a crack addict that modeled his performance after the “Bring out your dead” guy from The Holy Grail.

The best part of Sam Worthington’s performance was his thighs. We get quite an eyeful of them as he swims through water and fights giant scorpions. His accent alternates between Road Warrior and Dirty Harry.

The guy who played the kid in About a Boy and the student that follows Colin Firth around in A Single Man plays a soldier. Swear to God, he’s wearing the same lipstick and foundation from A Single Man; exchange the armor for an angora sweater and you’ve got the same guy.

Couldn’t stand Io the immortal stalker. She was the cheesiest thing in the movie after Same Worthington’s thighs. I still have no idea what her purpose was or what she added to the plot. I had to IMBD the movie just to remember what her name was.

It was nice seeing Elizabeth McGovern again but it was hard to imagine her married to Pete Postlethwaite. And I thought it was interesting that Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes from Schindler’s List. I’m sure the casting agents planned it that way.

Overall not the worst movie I’ve seen; could have used a few more ripped soldiers from West Hollywood. I would have preferred to see it in 2D for a few dollars less.

Pharmacists know their stuff

I blame my lower back pain entirely on missing yoga for thee weeks. I haven’t had this much trouble getting up, bending over and sitting down since I was a barista. I’m grunting so much my neighbor knocked on the door to ask if I was okay.

Went to Shopper’s Drug Mart to self-medicate. Stood in the pain relief aisle not knowing which concoction was the most effective. I’m not really big on pills and painkillers (recovering Catholic you know) but since I don’t drink and tequila is not an option, it was this or suffer.

There was a sale on heat pads—booyah! —but as for medication I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go brand name or generic. It was early in the morning enough that there were no lines so I was able to find a pharmacist right away.

She pointed to the three generic brands. “This one has Robax and aspirin; Robax and Tylenol; Robax and Advil.”

Quick concise advice; how often do you get that?

I went for Tylenol. Advil gives me an uppy tummy.

While I was paying for the back medicine I also picked up a prescription my doctor had faxed in. My extended health plan covers my medication and I asked her if she needed anything else—my membership card or something.

“You need to pay for those,” she said, pointing to the heat pads and pills.

Duh.

“Sorry. I’m in a lot of pain.”

“I understand,” said the pharmacist for whom English is not her native tongue. “If you weren’t in pain I would not understand.”