Stockwell Day: Bringing home the Birken

Former Canadian Alliance Leader and Minister of International Trade, Stockwell Day has sent shockwaves throughout the Conservative Party and Parliament Hill by admitting he uses a Murse. Day, who has said on record that he would go out of his way to outlaw gay rights, outed himself when he pulled his new iPad from the aforementioned purse for men in the House of Commons.

Sources on the Hill say the Minister outed himself unintentionally as he was checking his appearance the screen of his iPad like a mirror. There are unconfirmed reports of compact falling out of his murse as well.

No word on whether or not Industry Minister Tony Clemente will cut all funding to Mr. Day however Apple C.E.O. has requested he keep his iPad on the down low as to tarnish the device so soon after its launch in Canada.

Colin Hansen: Everything is coming up roses

After declaring the recession over in British Columbia, Finance Minister Colin Hansen has proclaimed there is a cure for AIDS, Global Warming has stabilized and Georgian luger, Nodar Kumaritashvili’s death at the 2010 Olympics was just a dream.

Hansen, who deceived British Columbians during the 2009 Provincial election about the true size of the Provincial budget deficit, has proclaimed the recession over in BC despite cutting funding for services that sent hundreds of people to the unemployment lines. So emboldened was the Minister with his declaration, Hansen went on to declare the end of AIDS, Global Warming and a soap opera ending to Nodar Kumaritashvili’s tragic death.

“I was going to go so far as to say the oil spill in Gulf of Mexico has stopped but I thought that might be pushing it,” said the Minister.

Unfortunately, people running out of employment cheques that are contemplating a career at Tim Horton’s did not get Mr. Hansen’s memo.

Dept of Homeland Security: “Give us your roof!”

The US department of Homeland Security is trying to circumvent plans to recycle the canvas roof from BC Place Stadium. In its quest protect the United States from every imaginable threat, the department would like to re-purpose the roof and use it as a diaphragm to defend the nation against a Godzilla type monster.

“As you may remember after 9/11 the government invited Hollywood screenwriters to pitch us nightmare scenarios that we could protect ourselves from,” said a Homeland Security spokesperson. “Several of those scenarios went on to become the basis for summer blockbusters but we seriously considered all the possibilities.”

After seeing footage of the deflated stadium on the Internet, a bureaucrat at the department had a eureka moment. “You insert that puppy into a giant lizard’s innards and they’ll never reproduce again! The military-industrial complex will have a field day with this! Think of how many jobs this will create!”

Halliburton is rumoured to be in negotiations for a no-bid contract with the government. Sarah Palin has updated her Facebook status saying she is opposed to birth control of any kind.

John Baird hosts T-Dance at PMO’s office

Outed Minister of Transportation, John Baird, will be hosting a weekend T-Dance for other closeted politicians at the Prime Minister’s office.

Baird has been fielding tough questions from the opposition while Prime Minister Stephen Harper continues his “Let’s do nothing and see how it works out” tour of Europe. The Minister has flared his nostrils at the opposition’s accusations of a Conservative culture of intimidation and their opposition to the proposed repeal of the national gun registry.

“Being angry and clouding the issues is hard,” says Baird. “It’s time for a little fun. And you know what they say about when the cat is away….”

The Minister is still waiting for Peter McKay to RSVP.

Canada drops the U

Heritage Minister James Moore announced today that Canada will stop using British grammar and spelling in favor of American grammar and spelling. The move came after the one millionth time MS Word tried correct “favour” in a document he was working on that “curried favour” to lobbyists.

“It makes perfect sense really in these tough economic times. Reducing the number of letters in a word has the potential of saving tax payers pennies in paper and ink—pennies that can be squandered on people who already have it too good.”

The jury is still out on the fate of the word “zed”.

Hitler’s estate sues Tea Party for copyright infringement

The relatives of Adolf Hitler have issued a cease and desist order to the members of the Tea Party movement for unauthorized use of Fuhrer’s image in posters comparing President Barack Obama the leader of the Nazi party.

Andy Hiller, a descendant of Hitler (the family name was changed after the WWII) as well as other aunts, uncles and cousins of the Hitler line have been quietly incorporating Hitler’s name and image to prevent unlawful use.

“Do you know what it’s like to be a Hitler and watch movie after movie, book after book come out about the guy and you don’t get to see one red cent?” Hiller says. “Like I don’t have enough painful reminders of what a monster he was.”

Hiller says his and his relative’s aggravation boiled over when members of the right-wing Tea Party movement started painting Hitler moustaches on pictures of President Barack Obama.

“I mean come on! If Obama is Hitler was does that make Dick Cheney? I’m not trying to limit people’s freedom of speech but let’s get our analogy’s straight okay? Barack Obama is black and from what I remember of the Nazi’s they weren’t so big on people of color. There are plenty of black dictator’s for these Tea Partiers to choose from, why not go with Robert Mugabe?.”

Says Hiller, “America was far more racist back when Martin Luther King was doing his thing and I don’t remember the KKK drawing Hitler moustaches on pictures of him.”