Religious Right to publish redacted Bible

A spokesperson for the marketing department of the Religious Right has announced plans to publish a redacted Bible in time for Christmas. This latest edition will have every chapter and verse that promotes brotherly love blocked out like a confidential government document. “Love your neighbour as yourself—gone!” said the spokesperson. “Judge not, that you be not judged—Forget about it!” The editors also took the liberty of replacing Mary Magdalene with Bristol Palin since she scores well with the Tea Party. The Redacted Bible is available at Walmart, Target and Best Buy.

McDonald’s to charge for straws

Taking its cue from retailers such as Loblaws, Sears, Home Depot, Zellers and Shoppers Drug Mart that now charge customers 5 cents for a bag to take their purchases home, McDonald’s has now begun charging for straws.

A spokesperson for the fast food chain says, “McDonald’s is committed to the environment. Plastic straws are one of the few environmentally unfriendly elements of our business—if you don’t count what our processing plants and farms are doing to the planet. By charging customers for straws we hope to cut straw consumption back by 1%...and maybe collect a small profit because lets face it, if you didn’t need the straws, we wouldn’t buy them.”

The announcement generated hundreds of thousands of strongly worded customer complaints, Tweets and launched several Facebook groups in protest. Despite the outcry McDonald’s refuses to budge. Said the spokesperson, “It’s not our fault you need a cold drink to wash down our salty food. We just sell this crap; no one is making you to buy it.”

Canada’s biggest pussy pretends he can fight

Ottawa’s biggest dating loser, Minister of National Defence, Peter McKay, sat in the cockpit of a CF-18, looked through the firing scope and said, “Pitchew, pitchew…take that Belinda.”

McKay, who has never served in the military and knows nothing about hand to hand combat, was defending the government’s decision to spend $9-billion for fighter jets without a single competing bid.

Mr. McKay told the audience. “Competing bids are not what’s important here. What’s important is that I look good in this suit in the cockpit of this plane.”

Asked if the Conservatives would use the new fighters for crowd control at an event similar to the G20, the minister refrained from comment

Emmys prove gays can play gay

A spokesperson for the GLAAD is applauding the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for recognizing that gay actors can play gay characters.

“With all the focus of late being on whether or not gay actors can convincingly play breeders…I mean heterosexuals…we have forgotten gay actors are rarely cast as gay characters in television and film—at least television and film that matters.”

The spokesperson was referring to the Emmy nominations for sort-of-openly gay actor Chris Colfer and openly gay actor Jesse Tyler Ferguson

“Look at our track record,” the spokesperson went on to say. “Capote, Milk, Brokeback Mountain, Monster…all the best gay roles go to straight actors. It’s nice to see the homo team get some recognition for a change.”

LiLo sent to prison for improper use of Collagen.

(Beverly Hills) Judge Marsha Revel sent former actress Lindsay Lohan for inappropriate use of Collagen. Sources close to the judge say while she felt it was her duty to put an end to the tabloid train wreck that is LiLo for flagrantly thumbing her nose to the law, it was really the Collagen that persuaded her to throw the maximum jail time at her.

“The first time I saw her in court I was sure if she was Lindsay Lohan or Meg Ryan,” Judge Revel told a friend after the court hearing. “Collagen is like diamonds; it should be reserved for women fifty and over.”

The judge hopes LiLo’s jail time will help her recover from her addictions and prays her lips will resemble that of a woman in her twenties again.

Translink unveils “mini” shuttle

(Burnaby, BC) Translink unveiled the newest addition to its fleet at a press conference yesterday. The new “Mini Cooper Shuttle” will replace the Community Shuttles that presently connects commuters to the Canada Line.

“Our strategy is to reduce the number of commuters trying to connect with the Canada Line” said a Translink spokesperson. “Since it is already nearing capacity in the year it’s been open,”

The new vehicles can seat 4 comfortably (including the driver) with room for two more if need be between and across the laps of the passengers in the back seat.

The new shuttles will not adhere to any specific schedule and will continue to run at break-neck speeds on city streets and come to bone-jarring stops. “There will be no change to the quality of service the Community Shuttles,” assured the spokesperson. “The rider won’t even notice the difference.”

Harper gets Super Soaker for G20: “It’s awesome!”

In advance of the G20 summit Prime Minister Harper has been rumoured to be bragging to his colleagues about his new water cannon.

“It’s awesome,” the PM reportedly told another world leader. “I’m so going to use it on the opposition or anyone that tries to contradict anything I say.”

When contacted, the Prime Minister’s Office admitted there was some confusion on the PM’s part. The water cannon in question is in fact a crowd control device; Harper thought it was Nerf Super Soaker—a toy he always wanted but was denied as a child because it is “fun”.

A red faced Prime Minister called his colleagues and alerted them the water fight was off, however he did ask security if they would use the water cannon on his BBQ grill before the Canada Day long weekend.