McDonald’s to charge for straws

Taking its cue from retailers such as Loblaws, Sears, Home Depot, Zellers and Shoppers Drug Mart that now charge customers 5 cents for a bag to take their purchases home, McDonald’s has now begun charging for straws.

A spokesperson for the fast food chain says, “McDonald’s is committed to the environment. Plastic straws are one of the few environmentally unfriendly elements of our business—if you don’t count what our processing plants and farms are doing to the planet. By charging customers for straws we hope to cut straw consumption back by 1%...and maybe collect a small profit because lets face it, if you didn’t need the straws, we wouldn’t buy them.”

The announcement generated hundreds of thousands of strongly worded customer complaints, Tweets and launched several Facebook groups in protest. Despite the outcry McDonald’s refuses to budge. Said the spokesperson, “It’s not our fault you need a cold drink to wash down our salty food. We just sell this crap; no one is making you to buy it.”

Canada’s biggest pussy pretends he can fight

Ottawa’s biggest dating loser, Minister of National Defence, Peter McKay, sat in the cockpit of a CF-18, looked through the firing scope and said, “Pitchew, pitchew…take that Belinda.”

McKay, who has never served in the military and knows nothing about hand to hand combat, was defending the government’s decision to spend $9-billion for fighter jets without a single competing bid.

Mr. McKay told the audience. “Competing bids are not what’s important here. What’s important is that I look good in this suit in the cockpit of this plane.”

Asked if the Conservatives would use the new fighters for crowd control at an event similar to the G20, the minister refrained from comment

Emmys prove gays can play gay

A spokesperson for the GLAAD is applauding the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for recognizing that gay actors can play gay characters.

“With all the focus of late being on whether or not gay actors can convincingly play breeders…I mean heterosexuals…we have forgotten gay actors are rarely cast as gay characters in television and film—at least television and film that matters.”

The spokesperson was referring to the Emmy nominations for sort-of-openly gay actor Chris Colfer and openly gay actor Jesse Tyler Ferguson

“Look at our track record,” the spokesperson went on to say. “Capote, Milk, Brokeback Mountain, Monster…all the best gay roles go to straight actors. It’s nice to see the homo team get some recognition for a change.”

LiLo sent to prison for improper use of Collagen.

(Beverly Hills) Judge Marsha Revel sent former actress Lindsay Lohan for inappropriate use of Collagen. Sources close to the judge say while she felt it was her duty to put an end to the tabloid train wreck that is LiLo for flagrantly thumbing her nose to the law, it was really the Collagen that persuaded her to throw the maximum jail time at her.

“The first time I saw her in court I was sure if she was Lindsay Lohan or Meg Ryan,” Judge Revel told a friend after the court hearing. “Collagen is like diamonds; it should be reserved for women fifty and over.”

The judge hopes LiLo’s jail time will help her recover from her addictions and prays her lips will resemble that of a woman in her twenties again.