Translink unveils “mini” shuttle

(Burnaby, BC) Translink unveiled the newest addition to its fleet at a press conference yesterday. The new “Mini Cooper Shuttle” will replace the Community Shuttles that presently connects commuters to the Canada Line.

“Our strategy is to reduce the number of commuters trying to connect with the Canada Line” said a Translink spokesperson. “Since it is already nearing capacity in the year it’s been open,”

The new vehicles can seat 4 comfortably (including the driver) with room for two more if need be between and across the laps of the passengers in the back seat.

The new shuttles will not adhere to any specific schedule and will continue to run at break-neck speeds on city streets and come to bone-jarring stops. “There will be no change to the quality of service the Community Shuttles,” assured the spokesperson. “The rider won’t even notice the difference.”

Harper gets Super Soaker for G20: “It’s awesome!”

In advance of the G20 summit Prime Minister Harper has been rumoured to be bragging to his colleagues about his new water cannon.

“It’s awesome,” the PM reportedly told another world leader. “I’m so going to use it on the opposition or anyone that tries to contradict anything I say.”

When contacted, the Prime Minister’s Office admitted there was some confusion on the PM’s part. The water cannon in question is in fact a crowd control device; Harper thought it was Nerf Super Soaker—a toy he always wanted but was denied as a child because it is “fun”.

A red faced Prime Minister called his colleagues and alerted them the water fight was off, however he did ask security if they would use the water cannon on his BBQ grill before the Canada Day long weekend.

Tories to accessorize fake lake with puppet government

Hot on the heels of its fake Muskoka lake for journalists that can’t attend the G8 summit in Huntsville, ON, a puppet government is now in the works.

Says a spokesperson for the Prime Minister’s Office, “After firing Helena Guergis for disorderly conduct at an airport and giving her husband, Rahim Jaffer, a slap on the wrist for cocaine possession as well as exposing how the government really works, the PMO has decided it would be easier to fill the seats in the house with paper cabinet ministers.”

The spokesperson went on to say that officials will still be elected, but that their carbon forms will not be seen by the public until the next election or they die. The PMO hopes the cardboard cut-outs will stream the legislative process and prevent any further embarrassment. “In other words, Parliament will operate as normal, but instead of dictating votes, the Prime Minister will just do it for them by pulling a single string.”

As a concession to the Liberals, the Conservatives will supply the official opposition with paper balls since they do not appear to possess any.

WWF Lobbies CRTC to protect ozone from right-wing channel

A spokesman for the World Wildlife Foundation is asking the Canadian Radio and Television Commission to deny an application by Quebecor Inc. for a 24 hour right-leaning cable news station on the grounds it is not good for the environment.

“Bullshit is a source of methane; methane is a greenhouse gas. Will all the bullshit coming out of Ottawa as it is, a right-wing cable news station would hasten the melting of the polar ice cap by 5 – 10 years. Does the CRTC really want that on their hands?”

Said the spokesperson, “The way things are going, the only polar icecap left will be the one sitting in the Prime Minister’s office.”

See also:

Conservatives lobby first shot in culture war.

Religious right to Al and Tipper: Told you so

Focus on the Family has issued a press release blaming Al Gore’s separation from his wife of 40 years, Tipper, on the effort to repeal “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.”

Although it saddens to see any marriage come apart, it behoves us at FOF to say to Al and Tipper, “We told you so.”

The press release states that in the absence of any real marital troubles, FOF, points the finger at “this latest advancement of the homosexual agenda for destroying yet another traditional marriage.”
The world is still waiting to see how Focus on the Family will blame the BP oil spill on gay marriage.